Edward is Pissed
by Leah Emilio-Depp
Summary: Alright, you think you know the end to Edward Scissorhands? You don't know nothing. Edward comes back after sixty years ina freaking castle and he is mad. Mad, baby MAD. Oneshot. R n' R... por favor!


GOTTA' READ THIS PEOPLE- ES IMPORTANTE!!!!!!

AUTHOR'S NOTE:So, I was watching Edward Scissorhands the other day (which I do not own or am affiliated with by the way…) and, at the _very_ end, we learn that Kim basically ditched Edward forever and ran off with some other dude and had at _least_ one kid (y'know… 'cuz she's talking to her granddaughter) and so, I'm all- "_Okay, if IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII were Edward, I would go kick that bitch's ass for leaving me…"_

And, thus- the story begins where the movie left off… _exactly. _

You, as the reader, _probably_ know the story of Edward Scissorhands- seeing as how your looking around in the Edward fanfics. So, yeah- Kim's telling her grandbaby the story of how snow is made… yadda yadda yadda… and then she gets to the end where she tells her that Edward bought the snow to them or something… blah blah blah… and then, you see Edward up in his ol' castle cuttin' away at some ice blocks- sweet, right?

Well, it's a lie.

It's a LIE!!

LIE-EEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Yeah, Edward wasn't in that castle… uh-uh. I know this stuff, people.

When Kim finished her story, however, Edward was exactly where you wouldn't expect him to be.

"Grandma- there's a shadow outside the door... can you go see what it is?"

Kim looked over her shoulder and realized that a slumped over, solemn shadow was cast against the hallway, outlined by the illumination of a night light. Kim got up slowly from her chair and worked her way over to the door.

"Oh, my God!" Kim yelled, slapping her right hand over her heart. "Edward!?"

Edward, who had been sleeping in a fetal position underneath a painting of a dog, groggily opened his eyes and rubbed them with his bicep.

"Huh? Eh- oh," Edward began nonchalantly, standing up, "Oh, yes! You're done. Did you know that you can ramble a-"

The old woman was transfixed briefly by her old flame leaping into his arms and blabbing her mouth off.

"Edward!! Oh my-!!! Edward, I can't believe it!! How did you-? Why did you-? It- it's… Oh, Edward!! Oh, oh!! It's Edward, Sweetie!! It's Edward!"

The granddaughter leaned over the side of her bed (but still remaining beneath her comforter) until she could get a better view of him.

"Cool," she said.

Now, what Kim expected to happen was that her sweet, innocent, widdle Edward would be as ecstatic as she was to see each other together again and would amiably embrace her with all the unremitting love he could possibly muster from the bottom of his heart; thus excepting her elderly form and generously willing to protect her until the end of their days, trusting that their eternal love would be enough to bind them forevermore… even after death.

Kim was about to be thoroughly disappointed.

"Get OFF me, woman!" Edward said, pushing her from his body with his arm. "You are SO clingy!"

The granddaughter tried to lean even further outward to see the two better.

"E-Edward… what are you… how did you?"

He crossed his arms and frowned.

"Come on, spit it out," he said.

"Edward… this is- so sudden."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah- I know… I was GOING to surprise you right after you tucked the brat in-"

"HEY!!" yelled The Brat.

"- No offense, kid… so, I was GOING to surprise you but then the girl says 'Oh! Grandma!! Tell me a story!! Tell me a story!!' and then you, like, spend the next two hours basically retelling my life and I didn't want to interrupt it and… DAMN, you can RAMBLE!"

"Edward!" Kim yelled, her face turning bright red. "Did you just swear!?"

"Like shit I did."

Kim was VERY confused now. For a few moments afterwards, the three peopleses just stared at one another, silently: Kim was holding her head with her left hand, the granddaughter was starring at this scary, little man's costume, and Edward had his head cocked to the right side of his body, a grimace on his face.

"Edward- I'm experiencing so many different emotions: I'm happy that you're here, I'm sad that you have to see me this way, I'm perplexed as to why you're suddenly so articulate and I'm angry that you swore in the presence of my grand-"

"Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah-" Edward said, looking to the ground and quietly chuckling, "YOU'RE angry? _YOU'RE _angry?"

Edward put his scissors on his hips and scrunched his face as if he was about to cry.

"What- what do you mean, Edward?"

"If there is ANYBODY in this room that deserves to be angry, it's me!"

"Huh?"

Edward sat in her chair and looked even more hurt, crossing his arms even tighter and his eyes puffing up (he tried to disguise the fact that he was about to cry by acting mad).

"Alright- I'm sitting up in my castle, trimming my shrubbery for, like, the THOUSANDTH time this month and I begin thinking 'Hey… y'know what? I think I'm going to see my old girlfriend… she hasn't been up to see me in, oh, I dunno'… SIXTY YEARS!!!'"

Edward's pale complexion tanned a bit as his anger increased.

"So, I manage to 1) muster up the strength to face the people that shunned and despised me so many years ago 2) find out where your house was and 3) break into said house without anyone else knowing!!"

"Wait- you broke into my house?"

"And, when I FINALLY get here, ready to see my lovely, FAITHFUL Kim awaiting me- I learn that she has a GRANDDAUGHTER!??!?!??!?!??!!??! WHAT THE HELL!??!?!"

Edward's left eye was twitching.

"What's wrong with having a granddaughter?" asked Kim.

Edward acted as if she was the biggest simpleton in the world.

"WHO exactly is the MOTHER of your granddaughter?"

"Um… MY daughter?"

"And how do you MAKE a daughter?"

"Well, you- ohhhhhhhhhh…"

It was then that Kim realized just exactly what Edward was so mad about.

"Oh, Edward-"

"Whatever happened to 'I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU, EDWARD'? What about 'HOOOOOOOOOOLD ME, EDWARD'??? 'I WANT TO BE YOUR SLAVE OF LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE, EDWARD'????"

"I never said that!!"

"You were thinkin' it!! You broke my heart, bitch!!! WHY didn't you come and visit me!?!?!?!?"

"Edward- you needed to be some place where you could be safe and out of reach of this scornful suburban society!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, SURE!!!" Edward said, flinging his arms outward, "Just leave an emotionally underdeveloped robot-man with scissors attached to his wrists in the dark, demented, 'ol castle he saw his 'father' DIE in! That was GENIUS!"

Kim lowered her mouth as low as it would go and said, "Well, I _thought_ it was a good idea at the time!"

"Um, Grandma-" Kim's granddaughter interrupted, "I'm sorry, but that was the stupidest idea I've ever heard… I mean, the way you talk about it seems like you would DIE for Edward… and then you just, like, ditch him for grandpa? That's harsh, grandmamma… and it is TOTALLY soap operaish… I mean, if Edward was in a coma and you were a twenty-three year-old slut, it would be like Days of Our Lives or something…"

"Well, well-" Kim put one hand on her hip and pointed the other one at Edward. "Where do YOU get the nerve coming down here, Edward, and acting like a jerk!? You've completely changed!! You've lost ALL your innocence!!"

Edward retracted back his body in disgust.

"Ewwwwwwwww!!! No, I have NOT!! I am SOOOOOOOOO a virgin!"

"I meant EMOTIONAL innocence!!"

"Oh…" he said, "Yeah… that's pretty much gone."

Kim walked over to Edward and held his pale face in her hands.

"Oh, Edward- what happened to my Edward?"

Edward turned away so her hands were no longer touching his face.

"Oh, it's simple-" said Edward coldly, clearing his throat. "Well, after you've trimmed the same hedges for the twentieth time in a _day_, you get bored up there and stuff… so I started to look around the castle after the first seven months and I started thinking '_Ho, hum… what can I do to occupy myself? Deedle deedle dee… Oh! Look at all those books! I think I'll read some of them' _and then I-"

"I thought you couldn't read."

"Um, Kim- I have scissors for HANDS not scissors for BRAINS!" he said, "I _learned_; duh!!"

Edward straightened his back.

"So, then I start reading these ol' books my dad used to keep around to teach someone how to read- y'know, things like ABC books and stuff– and I read. A lot." Edward sighed and looked toward the ground. "And when I was done reading from all the fiction books I started reading the dictionary- I only had to read, like, seven books before I learned that the world sucked."

Kim's face was turning _seriously _red now.

"Yeah," Edward said, "So, basically, it's your fault I'm like this, bitch."

"Do NOT swear at me in front of my-"

"Actually, Grandma, that WAS a pretty bitchy thing to do."

Edward turned to the granddaughter and smiled.

"What's your name, little girl?"

"My name's Clarissa!" she exclaimed, bouncing slightly on her bed.

"You're kick-ass, Clarissa."

"Thank you!" Clarissa said, blushing and sitting up straight.

"Maybe I'll take you to get some ice cream sometime, Clarissa."

"Cool!" Clarissa jumped out of her bed and hugged Edward's thigh. "Grandma, Edward's SO awesome! Why didn't you sleep with _him_ and make mommy? Grandpa is boring."

Kim gasped and glared at her granddaughter.

"Why would you _say_ that, Clarissa?"

Clarissa detached herself from Edward and counted her main points on her fingers.

"Well, first of all," she started, "Edward would never get OLD- so he can play with me for, like, ever. Second of all, he's got freaking scissors for hands- that's, like, the COOLEST thing I've ever SEEN!! The only thing weird about Grandpa's hands are that they got arthritis. And, lastly, Edward smells like chrysanthemums… grandpa smells like cheese."

Kim couldn't believe what her granddaughter was saying. She was struck in an even deeper pit of awe when she replied to Edward's next comment.

"Hey, you wanna' come live with me? You've seen the castle- it's even bigger on the inside! I also installed this plasma TV that gets, like, four hundred channels! What do you say, Clarissa?"

"Neat!"

"Wonderful! It's so nice to have a grand-"

"CLARISSA!! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!??!?!" yelled Kim.

"Geez, Grandma- do you have to scream? I mean, Edward was talking politely to me."

"Yeah, Kim… be considerate of other people. You're not the only person here."

Clarissa held on to Edward's wrist tightly as he slumped over a little bit to seem less intimidating.

"Come on, Cool Grandpa- hey, do you like 'Grey's Anatomy'?"

"That's my FAVORITE show! Did you hear about Isaiah? Oh my God, that homophobe."

"I say 'Good riddance'… I hated Dr. Burke."

"Yeah, me too."

Kim stood motionlessly as her granddaughter walked out of her room with the scissorhanded man, talking lightly about "Grey's Anatomy".

"Oh, and 'LOST', too!! I LOVE that show!" Clarissa said as Kim ran out into the hallway they were in and grabbed her granddaughter by her free hand.

"Clarissa! What are you doing!?!?"

"Weren't you even listening to us? I'm going to live with Edward…"

"Yeah, Kim- any place is probably better than this dinky house."

"First of all, I am NOT going to let you go through with this and, second of all, my house is NOT dinky!"

Edward and Clarissa glared at Kim over their shoulders for a couple of seconds before ignoring her and walking on.

"Are you two IGNORING me!?"

The two ignored her.

Kim kept stationary and continued to scream until her face turned lavender and fell to the floor.

But, it's alright- she wasn't dead. She simply passed out, forgot what happened and continued to live her life with her boring little husband she chose over the interesting, mysterious and sexy Edward Scissorhands.

Meanwhile, Clarissa and Edward lived happily together forever: making scrapbooks, learning to play cricket, and eating yogurt with little bits of fruit in it. And, when Clarissa grew up and had a kid of her own, her husband and son moved in with them! And Edward was happy.

Kim was not.

The end.


End file.
